Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Lonely in Lansing - 10:13 PM
MSU campus! from L-R. Top: Beaumont tower, main library, the O-MART! Middle: bikes at the Business College, Spartan football stadium, the way people advertise on campus. Bottom: Down the Red Cedar River, the Chapel, THE SCHOOL OF HOSPITALITY BUSINESS!
I reached another milestone yesterday...I...learnt...how...to..make...a...picturE COLLAGE!! woohoo. Clap leh?! Thankew thankew.
You know, although I always complain abt Lansing, I think I will miss the suburbs a little when I'm done with school. I was on the bus that day and was listening to Michael Buble's 'HOME' (fellow comrades who are also overseas can totally relate to that song man), it suddenly dawned on me that no matter how much I resent being in East Lansing Michigan, it grew and is continuing to grow on me and I don't feel as bitter as I did a year ago. After all, our tax rate is slightly lower at 8%, the campus is very pretty in the Summer&Fall, most Professors are dedicated, I'm learning lots without the stress of the SG system. But more than anything else, i blame my misery to the issue of friends... Cos with friends, we can be in Siberia/Inner Mongolia/Ghana and still be happy RIGHT? (well as long as you give me internet and proper plumbing) I don't know why I have a problem with making friends here since I've never had that problem before back home.
Everytime I tell myself 'ok I have to be positive. I MUST make more friends this time. I MUST make effort to keep in touch with them...But sometimes I think about it and say Friendship is a 2-way street. WHY should I be the one always trying so hard to forge/maintain them? If it happens, it happens... you can't force it right? After all, we do have a screening system to go about and we can't possibly make friends with the entire world. Sometimes, u try too hard and it not only makes you zero friends, you might even feel a depressing loss of dignity too. Don't get what I'm saying? Try smiling at someone you know and saying a cheery HI!...the response u get is a 3 second up-and-down look, followed by a cold greeting 'oh. (its only you)... hi.'...how would you feel? Should you keep trying to act like as if you all are really friends and degrade urself in the process, or hold your head high and say 'We're obviously not FRIENDS. S/he is a mere acquaintance who doesn't give a hoot about me! I'll remain cordial but its a fact that we can never be close.' Not that I wanna be antisocial for who doesn't want to have friends?
I'm looking for friendships + fun, not just fun fun FUN. I don't wanna hang out with a bunch of people who will not even remember your name the next morning when they sober up. I don't want to be around people who are not willing to even ask you for a meal/trip to the mall etc and only look for you when they need help with Math or to borrow your stapler (those are called leechers). I want to be around people who genuinely care for my feelings and wellbeing in general. Unless I find people I feel worthy to invest a friendship in, I think that I'm better off being alone. What's wrong with that? Yah, I do feel a tad lonely sometimes ( I am human hor, contrary to popular beliefs that I am cold blooded) when I see people in their cliques, wondering 'where the hell is mine?!' I think I might have a problem letting people in on my life later on cos I'm so tuned in to a solitary lifestyle now ...I am aware of that, but thats my me, u know. I accept that its a deficiency, but along with other personal flaws, I accept it. Sometimes, you just accept that you're not a perfect human being and just have to let things go, such as being kiasu/possessive/impatient/bossy. Of cos if you drive people nuts with your quirky behavior then you should change abit la! But if its a mild case of the above, why be so affected by it? Take it easy!
*november is full of excitements. JIELUN'S NEW ALBUM IS COMING OUT 1st Nov, Harry Potter GOF movie's coming out 18th nov!*