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Saturday, September 24, 2005
Reading people open their hearts and writing about who they really are instead of who they want people to THINK they are provoked me to think the same about myself. Who am I? Who WAS I? Where do I wanna go from here? How will I do it? Do I dare expose myself to people I might not even know?

All my life, I've been trying to establish myself as someone people meet and go 'She will be somebody someday'. So maybe I haven't been very honest with you guys. So today, I would like to invite you on the most authentic ride through my past, to my present and my hopes for the future.
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I am that girl who measured only 49cm at birth

I am that girl who sprouted to the same height as her sister who was 3 yrs older than her, at only age 2 and had to wrestle off comments that they were twins.

I am that girl who went for piano lessons since age 4.

I am that girl who cried endlessly cos she was lazy enough not to practise diligently and had to be kept back for hours by her very fierce but firm teacher.

I am that girl who continued her lessons till age 17, learnt to enjoy the lessons and would like to thank her parents and most of all, her very strict teacher, because they taught her perseverance from a young age and not to bail just because things don't go the way she would had liked them to.

I am that girl, who wanted to be in the WHOS-WHO in primary school, and was surprisingly effortlessly made part of it, and was even labelled leader of the pack.

I am that girl, who bravely held her terrified friend's hand when her friend was being hit by a wooden ruler in school for failing chinese spelling, when she herself failed it and had to be hit too. She was scared too, but tried not to show it.

I am that girl who learnt to be strong instead of gentle (like a REAL girl) because big, tall girls weren't supposed to be girly.

I am that girl, who fell so many times while learning to cycle, but enjoyed it so much that she even cycled in the rain on purpose, knowing that she would fall, and she did, and still she was happy.

I am that girl who got hit in the head by her Mom's wayward golfball in her own garden.

I am that girl whose parents weren't the slightest bothered by the fact that their 9 yr old daughter had been hit in the head by a freaking golf ball, and was compensated with lychees instead. It worked. She smiled again.

I am that girl who doesn't like animals, only on prints. Because she had a doberman in her house while she was young, and they just don't understand how traumatising a doberman is to a young mind. She silently rejoiced when the doberman died....of OLD AGE.

I am that girl who was so klutzy that she would break silverware each time they went into the Home dept of the Departmental stores. Her Mom once refused to acknowledge her when the security guard at the Museum asked which parent that kid belonged to cos she was creating havoc in the museum and had to be taken away.

I am that girl who cried like hell when she was to go to Cedar cos all her friends were going to TKGS. Later, she learnt that it was a really fate that had brought her there. It opened multiple doors for her, and the 4 years there were the Golden Years of her life, till now that is.

I am that girl, in Sec 1, already knew that she was better than everyone else in Track n Field, and would lead the team one day, because she already knew she had it in her. In the end, it did happen for her.

I am that girl who was so proud of herself when she won wearing Cedar colors, and even prouder when she won wearing Singpaore colors.

I am that girl whose multiple teachers met her Mom and provided her with the same feedback 'Your daughter has attitude problem in learning.' To those negative comments, she felt so hurt, unjustified and so angry that she cried on several accounts.

I am that girl who has a constant weight problem, but have since learnt to take it in her stride. She acknowledges that she will never be small, but she can look better than the skinny girls. She learns that its all in the attitude in which you accept yourself, and once you do, you're on your way. But she tries to be healthier. She also has to try harder.

I am that girl who knew she only had to get below 20 points for her O levels, because she knew that no matter what, she would be offered a place at a top JC. She knew she could rely on herself to get her what she wanted, and her parents REALLY did not need worry. But they didn't understand that, and worried themselves for nothing.

I am that girl who thinks that results are not that important, as long as they're not that bad. But she is harping on her younger sister to get good grades. What goes around really comes around.

I am that girl who didn't enjoy socialising and labelled very 'dao'. She believes that it is fate that brings people together, not cos you pull out all stops for other people to notice you and there is really a limit to how much you can make people like you. Therefore, there is no point in trying too hard.

I am that girl who says 'I don't care whether they like me or not' and doesn't mean it. She does care and most importantly, she WANTS people to like her, just that she won't compromise herself.

I am that girl who thinks that if 2 people don't like each other, they shouldn't even bother to be friends, just because its a waste of time. Cos there's something called Quality Control.

I am that girl who went about everywhere in only 1 pair of berms and 3 tshirts until age 18.

I am that girl who will never allow herself to look like old rags ever again.

I am that girl who would be mean to her friends because she felt it was funny and didn't care if it was on their expense. She knows she hurts her friends with her menacing words, but she tries to ignore the guilt. It's not working. She's currently in the midst of becoming a nicer person.

I am that girl whose character is a lot like Lena in 'Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants', someone who has never lost a love, but is afraid to love.

I am that girl who scoffs at her friends who dreams of their Prince Charmings and reprimands them for being unrealistic and too idealistic. But in reality, she has her moments too... she thinks of him every other day.

I am that girl who came to the US and didn't cry at the gates of Changi airport. Instead, she cries when she reaches Michigan because she felt that it had let her down. She tries to stifle her sobs whenever she calls home, because she didn't want her parents to feel pity for her. She wants so much to be an independent daughter, not the daughter who left and wants to give up.

I am that girl who had to start all over again in the US, and realises she doesn't make friends as easily as she thinks. Neither is she as friendly and outgoing as she thinks she is. It was then that she began to understand more about herself.

I am that girl who wants to embrace a whole new life in the US, but is finding it exceedingly difficult because she still finds herself stuck in the past. She doesn't know how to get outta there and realises everytime she says she doesn't want to be kept in the past, she's lying... She wants to be kept in the past because that is what she relishes. Also, she learns that there will never be such thing as a BRAND new life, because our history will forever be part of us.

I am that girl who, one day wants to make a name for herself. She wants to live in the big city of New York, live the independent life, and most importantly, she wants to live her dreams. But she doubts whether she can make it, because she is realistic. Then again, she had been trained to dream the impossible, and so she will remain optimistic.

I am that girl who wants to feel happy for her friends whenever they succeeded at something, but inside, she prays that she is still ahead of them.

I am that girl who wants the world at her fingertips, but doesn't want to be so caught up in the rat race that she transforms into someone she has no respect for.

I am that girl who is very self centered. Things revolve around her. Most of the things she do, she does because they are profitable in her favor. She's afraid of people seeing through that.

I am that girl who wants to go home this Winter because she knows that long distance kinship/friendships have to be maintained because she values them so much. Especially now that she is so far away, she has to make the conscious effort to keep in touch because she is afraid of being forgotten.

I am that girl who owes everything she has to her family. Just because they've provided such a nurturing upbringing that she knows, to a large extent, who she is today and what she wants in the future.

So now you know, u didn't know alot about me right? haha i think there are more to say, but its already too long and i'm too tired of thinking/from thinking, wadeva. haha

Its back to the books. Let me know what you think!

*Its Saturday morning here in Michigan. Saturday College football is on ESPN, Hurricane Rita's on CNN, Spongebox Square Pants on Cartoon Network... or not.*
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