Tuesday, August 30, 2005
A Brave New World - 4:39 PM
*Hello earthlings! i'm back. see i remembered my login name! heh.*After spending 3 mths back in singapore, i've come to rather harsh, but also very true realisation. but i've sorta come to terms with it already, so its all cool. for now, that is...so I would just like to share it here..... Staggering along Mtbatten Road on a sweltering summer's saturday afternoon, i couldn't help but take in the easy tranquility of the place. Even after a 9mth absence on my part, I could still dish out directions to a certain no. 51 property with ease. What else had I been expecting?
Then it hit me. During the time I was away, I had experienced severe bouts of homesickness now and then. And then, now I look at the neighborhood and I wondered about how have the pple i know been living their lives while i was all alone and depressed? I had a very honest answer to that. They just went about their normal lives. DURH. N that, though very straightforward, was hard to grapple with. So what had i been expecting? Was I expecting everyone to walk around with sad faces while I was sad over there? Was I expecting the blooms to wither just cos I wasn't smiling? Or was I even expecting everyone to stay home everyday just becos I didn't have much of a social life myself? Now. you would think i'm siao. and i actually sorta agree. By reassuring myself that everyone back home know how miserable i was (and should therefore share my misery), I enforced upon myself the one thing i've always held in distaste - self pity. In short, I was deluding myself that everything would come to a standstill while I was away, and I'll hit the -play- button when I return for the holidays. I mean, seriously. HOW STUPID WAS THAT?
I thought ok maybe I won't miss out on anything and everything's gonna return to normal once i go back...but thats so not true! In a way, I was thinking selfish. I didn't want pple to change from the way i knew them, but at the same time, I want everyone to accept me in anyway I might just transform into. Everyone's moved on with their lives...either to uni, found new friends, got new jobs etc.. (even my parents have taken up calligraphy lessons lor) and then, I realise that I'm still stuck at the time BEFORE i left for the US. Home haven't looked so inviting for awhile. SO, people, I've decided to stop pitying myself and actually do something about it. I have to start the new school year right. Stop building this invisible wall around myself and be more sociable i think? even if that means i have to start talking to strangers in the elevator. -gak- After all, I chose to ship myself off to a faraway land... After all, I didn't need any reassuring before I came. It was me who had brazenly convinced myself to take on the world out there, and I'm not ready to bail when things don't go as planned. Moreover,I did make it here in 1 piece, and if i survived that, what IS too difficult for me?
Anyway, would just like to shout to all my loved ones. Parents (but they prob won't be reading this), Sisters, Cousins, Friends... whoever u are... i miss you guys loads! so write me often k!